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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

The column that builds its nest around other bird’s eggs

READER: Did you manage to collar any Black Friday bargains this year?

MYSELF: You mean Bleak Friday? The annoying, US-imported ploy of trying to persuade us that things are cheaper for one special day which seems to last a fortnight?

READER: You may scoff, but I stocked up with a year’s supply of Queen Elizabeth 100^th birthday commemorative kitchen towels for a song, and an iPhone with a 32” plasma screen.

MYSELF: Admirable choices. I myself managed to attend the so-called Brown Thursday Sale at Bhindi’s Mini Superstore in Upper Dicker last week, (where an Instagram rumour of 3p off a dozen eggs sparked a major riot during which several ladies fainted, and over £12 worth of damage was estimated to have been caused). But listen, instead of lining retailer’s pockets, why not stretch your near-worthless pound a little further by making your own Christmas crackers?

READER: That's more like it!

MYSELF: It’s delightfully easy and this is all you need: sheets of crepe paper of various colours, a dozen cardboard tubes like the ones you find inside toilet rolls, those little metallic strips used for tying the ends of rubbish bags, scissors, glue, and a small quantity of dynamite. Before assembling the crackers, make sure you have a little gift to insert, like a Rolex watch or a diamond-studded brooch, and most importantly, a little piece of paper with a motto, joke or riddle on it. Here is an example to start you off;

Q: How many epileptics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two.

READER: Two?

MYSELF: Yes. One to replace the bulb and the other to turn it on and off rapidly.

READER: Epilepsy! Haha! Hahaha! HAHAHAHA!

MYSELF: Steady on, you’ve just had a hernia op! OK here’s one more:

How did Jesus's family manage to escape the biblical murder of all male infants in Bethlehem in 72BC?

READER: Er…

MYSELF: They had acquired Herod immunity

READER: Herod? I don't get it. Tell me the other one again.

GIFT WHORES
Crack Inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank has been hard at work in his secret laboratory in Sussex, developing some innovative new Christmas gift ideas. His gluten-free two-piece indoor leisure outfit is perfect for those long winter evenings when you are safely indoors and no-one can see you. Made from a highly inflammable purple acrylic velour which never needs washing and glows in the dark, it is suitable for vegans and Rastafarians (dairy-free, containing only 0.003% helium extract and less pork than a traditional £5 note). Dubbed The Twosie, the professor hopes it will be in the shops by Black Friday or at the latest, Magnolia Tuesday.

Rinse Out For Jesus! - That was the snappy slogan on everyone’s lips as the great inventor rush-released Genuflex, his new frankincense-flavoured holy water mouthwash, in the hope of scoring a runaway stocking filler success. Unfortunately the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) forced the removal of the product from stores with immediate effect after his TV campaign claimed that the product was “miraculous” and could regenerate lost teeth.

Other 2024 Thinktank innovations such as airbags for pedestrians who are prone to falling over, zombie repellent and a nuclear-powered steam engine for pressing corduroy trousers are now under ASA investigation.

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Hot Pance, from the laboratories of Thinktank Solutions is a remotely-controlled chair-based timer system. After receiving a pre-programmed signal it causes the trousers or little black dresses of persistent guests to burst into flames as they linger over another glass of your expensive cognac, yet leaves furniture, carpets and pets unharmed! (Contains agent orange).

MUSIC: With the longest title in pop history and sales of over 450, 2024's surprise Christmas no.1 was Fur Cough’s reissue of their 1984 charity single; Do They Know They Are Being Mercilessly Ripped Off By Unscrupulous Retailers Of Tasteless Rubbish Which Has Been Languishing Unsold On The Shelves During The Preceding 12 Months? Featuring its one remaining member Tit Bingo, Fur Cough are donating all proceeds of the single (minus administration costs), to Guard Dogs for The Rich.

OVER THE TOP
Attending the Upper Dicker auction rooms recently, I put in a successful bid for a job lot of WWI military memorabilia. Amongst the gas masks, ersatz cheese powder and benzedrine tablets, I discovered this touching letter, written to a loved one stationed at Ypres, and I thought I would share it with you.

Dearest Wilfred,
I hope your trench is not too uncomfortable, and that the Germans have stopped all that beastly gassing. Please find enclosed the brown trousers you requested, as well as 3 dozen tins of Coleman's mustard powder, (what on earth do you do with it?), 1 dozen slices of imitation Spam, 2 packets of Smiling Cow Beef Flavoured toothpaste, 1 Tin of aggravated Radio Malt and three rounds of tongue sandwiches cut into triangles with the crusts cut off. All is well at home. Aunt Irene is up for the weekend, as Uncle Frank has run off with a chorus girl, and Hindenburg the budgie died suddenly after we lined his cage with asbestos in case of air raids. Little Tommy says hello dad, and if you do go over the top and get blown up by a land mine, can he have your fishing rod? Deidre at the greengrocers says don't worry it'll all be over by Christmas, although which one, she didn't say.
Mum's the word, careless talk costs lives.
Fondest love, Nancy.

PS I checked with Dr. Morgan and sex with chickens is ok, as long as they are cooked properly.

Finally, have an unduly Merry Christmas and if you insist on getting sloshed, why not try top influencer Tim Verruca's G&T recipe:

MY PERFECT GIN & TONIC
by Timothy Verruca, greeter and cocktail mixoligist at Upper Dicker's exclusive Cat's Pyjama Club

3 fingers of gin.
I like to use Van Vlet’s Dykefinger No.2, still made in the traditional way with 900-year-old juniper berries from the Himalayan foothills and water from the Bagmati river basin which has been heated to steam temperature in an active volcano, then distilled and strained through the perforated eardrum of a Beluga Sturgeon before being hand-decanted into its distinctive pink triangular bottles. (Fortnum & Mason £450, 70cl)

Two slices of lemon - no more no less
Ideally, the two slices should come from entirely separate sources. My preferences are thus: the first should be a medium slice cut from the centre of a Kallakkia lemon picked from the only surviving Kallakkia tree, planted in the foyer of The Klikki-Klakki, an exclusive backgammon club in the Turkish sector of Cyprus by Alexander the Great before he had all the other Kallakkia trees destroyed.
This will be perfectly balanced by slice two, cut from a thawed pre-revolutionary Russian lemon preserved in amber, which my Grandfather had cryogenically frozen just before he died of cyrrhosis of the liver in 1959.

Indian Tonic Water.
One 200 ml bottle of Jadookah Paanee - made from water which is traditionally pumped from the Ganges by medical undergraduates, at the point where it flows past Kolcatta’s Institute of Malarial Studies.

Three ice cubes .
I prefer to use ice chipped from Steindalsbreen, the great Norwegian glacier at Trompsø, just inside the Arctic Circle. The ice is chipped by the indigenous Sami people using crude axes fashioned from reindeer horns during a display of aurora borealis.
(Cubes available online from Chip‘nShip.org - £25.75 per cube +Vat postage extra)

Add all the ingredients to a pre-chilled 30 ounce Denbigh Crystal glass. I like to swirl the mixture with a miniature Cherokee divining rod which I picked up during a stay at the Long March Indian Reservation, Oklahoma, in the sixties. It's a genuine tribal artifact which, in the event of an unexpected power cut is capable of locating your drink in the dark. Serve at room temperature.

NB: An Important note about room temperature.
The best way of achieving ambient room temperature is by covering all the windows with blackout curtains and placing a bucket of particulated asphalt in the centre to absorb any unwanted heliotropic vibrations, then boiling a kettle for six hours. Enjoy!

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...