BACK ISSUES

Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which thinks that if we didn’t have badgers no-one would know our names

MYSELF: What’s up sourpuss?

READER: It’s my foot. I got out of bed and trod on an upturned electrical plug.

MYSELF: Ouch! Painful! You should have put your slippers on straight away.

READER: That’s not as painful as stubbing your toe, which is what happened next.

MYSELF: Oh dear that is painful. What did you stub it on?

READER: My slippers.

PIGEONS IN FLIGHT

All this week on Dave you can watch Quentin Penguins’s TV adaptation of War Bird, Frank Dougan's incredible documentation of the military carrier-pigeons of World War Two. Having given everything in order to advance the war effort, those brave pigeons who sacrificed their lives were posthumously promoted to the rank of captain and received full military honours. But it wasn’t just pigeons. In the penultimate episode, Dougan reminds us of those other species who made similar sacrifices; the mine-detecting performing fleas of Mongolia for instance, who cleared a safe path for the Allies through the humid Burmese jungle before being crushed underfoot by the advancing US infantry. Or Ronnie, the famous submarine-ramming rhinocerous who after the War was given a peerage but was never allowed to sit in the House of Lords.

HICCUP SORCERY

Professor Gordon Thinktank has come up with what he claims is the “definitive hiccups cure”, which he hopes will be approved by the General Medical Council in time for the summer. “Hiccups,” the inventor told us, “is a vastly underrated threat. The great tenor Caruso, for example, after a weekend vodka binge in a Turin bar in 1959, suffered from an attack which lasted over three years. The constant hiccupping rendered him totally incapable of performing live, and every recording during that period had to have thousands of hiccups edited out by skilful audio engineers before it could be released”. The professor, although pressed, would not reveal details of the cure, adding only that it may contain nuts and will be available at all branches of Wetherspoons.

sponsored ads
Litterite™ Blockbuster Software £599, one week only
Author and ubermensch Ernest Hemingway would routinely knock out 30,000 words by 6am, before pouring himself a triple brandy, lighting a fat Cuban cigar and setting forth to outwit a swordfish. Isn't it time you unleashed your hidden beast? Simply install Litterite™ Blockbuster Software, and you could be a best-selling novelist in weeks. Just choose one of the templates supplied and start writing fat, heavy novels right away.

Proust, Dickens, Tolstoy, Mills, Boone - imagine having these literary giants at your fingertips! The algorithm-based software contained in Litterite™ instinctively zones in on your innate literary genius, unearthing subconscious gems of insight so sublime you can barely keep them off Facebook!

Check out these recent blockbusters, all written with the help of Litterite™

The Ladybird Book Of Journalism, by Nadene Dorries, (Hadaway & Shayte)
How To Believe Nonsense, by Stanley Johnson, (Cambridge Analytica)
Empowering Idiots, by Russel Brand, (Mumbo & Jumbo)

www.litterite.com

TAT2-U

Aren't children's drawings enchanting? Everyone loves those delightfully crude and unstructured illustrations of reality as observed through the naïve distorting lens of infancy, like conspiracy theories.

Mums! Don’t throw those drawings away! Now that short-skirt weather is on the horizon - why not get drunk and take them down to Upper Dickers’ newest ink-parlour, TAT2-U, where our expert etchers will tattoo a permanent record of your little impressionist's ball-point-pen scrawlings all over your legs?

Introductory offer- single leg £25, both legs and neck £60, faces negotiable. www.tat2u. com

THEY SEEK HIM THERE

Sussex detectives still have no clues to the identity of the elusive cheese burglar known only as The Scarlet Parmesan, who breaks into houses, stealing only cheese. “We are devastated,” one traumatised victim said, "the worst part of it is the mouse droppings he leaves on the carpet in an attempt to mislead the police.”

“Some of this country’s finest forensic minds have been invited to look into this case,” Upper Dicker’s chief of police, Hydra Gorgon told us, "and they are, quite frankly, baffled.” When quizzed about wild online theories speculating on the true identity of The Scarlet Parmesan, she would only say this, “Sir Cliff Richard, Ant & Dec and Adrian Chiles, all known caseophiles, have been arrested, questioned and released without charge.”

HAMBURGERS CONTAINED HORSE

Government hygiene inspectors raided Upper Dicker's hippest restaurant RIPE earlier this month. The premises were sealed off with scene of crime tape and police officers stood guard, as food analysts in white decontamination suits entered the building carrying racks of scientific equipment. Although all refused to comment, we have since received information from a reliable source which suggests that the restablishment, which boasts only food manufactured from fibreglass, has been serving its customers fibreglass hamburgers containing fibreglass horse.

“Yes, there was an incident with a burger,” manager Norman Rude (53) confessed when confronted with the evidence, “and it was found to contain traces of fibreglass horse. I mean traces in the sense that the fibreglass patty enclosed in the fibreglass bun was composed entirely of fibreglass horse".

"Although these circumstances were completely beyond our control", he went on, "our customers were, quite rightly, unamused. Ever since we opened as Upper Dicker’s first establishment catering exclusively to the fibreglass-eating community, we have been more or less fully booked every night. Rumours that this incident, or anyone involved in the management of RIPE, was in any way connected with the recent kidnapping of fibreglass thoroughbred racehorse Gulzar’s Folly from its paddock, are entirely unfounded. I would stress that according to experts, fibreglass horse is no more harmful than fibreglass beef when consumed in moderation”.

EVE’S DROPPINGS

I heard the following exchange in a well-known coffee emporium recently:

CUSTOMER: I'd like a Triple Mochalocca Mardi Gras with double caramel fudge, whipped cream, marzipan chips, extra chocolate, spiralized marshmallows and those things that look like miniature dolly mixtures.

BARISTA: Large madam?

CUSTOMER: How dare you! Anyway, what if I am? Your no Kate Moss yourself.

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

Click terrifying image for video

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

Click image for video

THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

click image for video

Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

Click image for video

SPONSORED ADVERTISEMENT

"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"

SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!

When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.

Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!

CAUTION

MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK INSINCERE

PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click images to connect.

Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...