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TORY LEADERSHIP SHOCK 

Ex-Crankies star joins frontrunners

Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which is nasty, British and short

CHAINSNORE
Hastings’ most prolific inventor, professor Gordon Thinktank has been hard at work in his secret underground laboratory in the basement of The Horse & Nightmare in Cockmarlin, on what has been hailed as a breakthrough for sufferers of sleep apnoea, now widely recognised as a major cause of snoring. The process, according to Thinktank’s press release, involves the amputation under local anaesthetic of the entire nasal area, replacing the nose and its accompanying cavities with a realistic prosthetic made from sustainable recycled plastic waste.

“Lest we forget”, The professor told us, “nocturnal trumpeting is a major contributing factor to the UK’s rising divorce rate. My device, which I call The Chainsnore, is the first genuine breakthrough. The prosthetic nose looks and smells just like a real one, but is fitted with a set of 12 nylon strings of varying length, tuned to the mixolydian scale and vibrated by the aeolian motion of expelled nasal wind. The prototype currently plays either Ramaswami Dikshitar’s contemplative Raga Rageshri or Got My Mojo Working by blues legend Blind Lemon Vibraphone, but a more comprehensive selection will be available by the time The Chainsnore reaches the shops.”
Work has been suspended on another of the inventor’s patent applications, a pyramid-shaped tupperware box, which keeps soup hot even in the fridge, and also sharpens razor blades. The launch of the Cheops has been postponed until unspecified “safety issues” have been resolved.

DICTIONARY KORNER

Gender fluid (n) non-binary lubricating oil

Expanse (n) trousers which have reached the end of their useful life

CULTURE SECTION

Opera

Upper Dicker Amateur Operatic Society's production of Lamentabili's La Signora Grossa Corpulenta Canta at The Hastings Angling Club was "a resounding success", according to director Silvio "Lucky" Fuctivano, an opinion with which I would beg to differ. Whilst it is all very well describing one's production as "sparse" or "post modern" there can be no excuse for a set (whose sole function is to transport the audience to a 17th century Sicilian wine-press) constructed entirely from discarded bicycle accessories. Similarly, the costume worn by sylph-like soprano Rita Miomiomio, stuffed as it was with inflated, patched inner tubes, could not disguise the fact that she was far from Corpulenta

During the third act, after an enforced intermission due to a faulty fire alarm, tenor Malcolm Swarfega, clearly inebriated, was forced to grasp the backdrop (painted by the pupils of Upper Dicker Remedial School for Wayward Girls) in order to remain upright. This caused the entire thing to tumble down, enveloping the chorus in a pastoral Phoenician landscape, some of which was still wet.

4/10

Film - Friday Ad, the Musical
Residents of towns the length and breadth of East Sussex are still mourning the loss of one the county’s most enduring publications, Friday Ad, whose typo-ridden weekly classified list livened up many a dull car journey with bizarre items of this type:

Cuddly, vivacious non smoker, GSOH, adores the theatre, especially Cats - loves people-watching, walking in the rain and sunsets - wishes to meet leather-clad tattooed biker (gender fluid) who likes being tied up for a bit of how’s-your -father during Strictly Come Dancing.

But what enthusiasts will miss most is Friday Ad’s speciality; the long, tempting description under a picture of a luxury item for sale at a bargain price, which suddenly and without warning just………
Anyway, fans will be delighted to learn that the West End hit Friday Ad-The Musical has now been filmed and will be released to coincide with the Christmas holiday. The mega-budget production, now transplanted to the mean streets of Des Moines, Iowa, is directed by Tintin Quarantino with music and lyrics by Lars Öngar and Rita Brevis. This magical adaptation from the pen of Hollywood’s hottest screenwriter Daphne Pangolini has been described as “a tragicomic triumph” by The Upper Dicker Megaphone. Having had the privilege of attending the press preview, I can tell you that of the featured songs, the stand outs for me were the opening tune No Time Wasters (sung a capella by The Upper Dicker Gay Men’s Choir) and the tearjerking Buyer Collects performed by the entire cast during the film’s extravagant tap-dancing grand finalé (superbly choreographed by Rupert Semolina), set in the heart of Des Moines’ famous garment district.

5 tsars (sic)

Sausage Life!

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss 

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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CAUTION

MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK INSINCERE

PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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GUANO POUNDHAMMER

DOMESTIC BLISS NOW ON SPOTIFY AND ALL STREAMING PLATFORMS