SAUSAGE LIFE

MYSELF: I gather this is the first time they’ve anointed in public. I don't know how I'm going to cope with the excitement. I thought I might pretend that HRH Charles III is the new Doctor Who, and hide behind the sofa.

READER: Really? With your connections I assumed you’d have a ringside seat.

MYSELF: If I never see another jar of sacred royal ointment again it will be too soon.

READER: You may scoff, but did you know that the royal and ancient coronation ointment is made by Freemasons from a secret blend of sperm whale essence, concentrated sasquatch, extract of spinach and holy water from the well of the crying statue in Killarney?

MYSELF: You surprise me.

READER(Shouting): THE ANOINTING IS NORMALLY DONE BY BLINDFOLDED TIBETAN MONKS BEHIND A PURPLE CURTAIN!

MYSELF: I take your point, but why are you shouting?

READER: SORRY! THERE’S A MAN OUTSIDE WITH A DRILL!... ah ok... it's stopped now.

MYSELF: I expect you’ll be out camping on the Mall tonight. Not for the first time I hear.

READER (shouting): PARDON?....WHAT?.... SORRY? THE DRILL'S STARTED UP AGAIN!

MYSELF (shouting): I said God Save The King

READER (shouting): AND ALL WHO SAIL IN HER!

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PATENT NONSENSE

Prolific local inventor professor Gordon Thinktank has applied for patents on the following inventions:

A perforated umbrella for people who like walking in the rain.
A blunt knife for stabbing friends
An electric kettle with no element, for making iced tea.

WHAT THE LOCAL PAPERS SAY

A new series featuring random excerpts from regional publications in the South East

UMBRELLA BLAMED FOR GAS TRAGEDY

A Cockmarlin man, who cannot be identified because of his mother’s connection with Pressbutton4, a religious sect which worships 1950s red telephone boxes, has been charged with masterminding a complex pyramid scheme designed to embezzle thousands of pounds from a charity sponsoring a spelling competition for overprivileged children from all over the UK.

Harry “Bongo” Tuttenhurst (43), the stilt-walking clown who regularly busks outside Sidcup railway station, claimed in his defence that he was using the money to fund WAKO, an Australian right wing think-tank in Gecko Falls, New South Wales, which promotes the idea that arm wrestling is the true path to spiritual enlightenment.

The Sidcup Bugle

BADGER BAITS MAN

A minor crisis was averted when villagers rallied round after being alerted to a major blockage in the catering-sized teapot employed by the Upper Dicker Women’s Institute Bowling and Crochet Club during their annual meeting at Lower Dicker Masonic Lodge. “It was lovely seeing everyone pull together,” commented retired fitness coach Wendy Carthorse (93), “it reminded me of the atmosphere during the London Blitz, except without the incendiary bombs and the rationing”.

To everyone’s relief, the guilty teabag was soon fished out and disposed of by the Upper Dicker Fire Brigade who arrive within minutes. Detectives from Upper Dicker constabulary’s forensic team later established that on the basis of available evidence it was likely that the teabag had become wedged in the entry to the teapot spout during pouring, causing the flow of tea to diminish to a trickle.

The Upper Dicker Examiner

RELIGION “BUNK” ADMITS POPE (See page4)

First an apology from the editor:

Regrettably, the recent front-page story in this newspaper warning of a catastrophic invasion of flesh-eating zombies here in Beyondenden, left our high journalistic standards wanting. This invasion, we warned our readers, could result in 50,000 angry, hungry corpses descending on the town. We understand that on our advice, many of you built elaborate, secure shelters and stockpiled food, weapons and ammunition in order to protect your families from mobs of vicious marauding undead cannibals. We offer readers our humble and unconditional apologies, in the sincere hope that your cherished loyalty will remain undiminished, and that in the future you will continue to believe every word this great newspaper publishes, regardless of the tragic unintended consequences of this inadvertent misinformation.

Zac Rhumba, editor-in-chief

The Beyondenden Chronicle

CARP SHORTAGE HITS HOUSE PRICES

Torville Wellington, a French poodle clipper of no fixed abode, was remanded in custody, accused of being in possession of illegally acquired items; namely three billiard balls (one red, two white) which, it is alleged, he removed from the Temperance Billiard Hall, Chiddingly. He was arrested after police spotted him outside wearing a coldstream guardsman’s helmet under which he was attempting to conceal the balls.

The Chiddingly Tricycle

LOCAL ELECTION SHOCK

British Gravy Train candidate Ron Gravy has blamed last Thurday’s disastrous showing for Upper Dicker (East), on his radical plans to have all Upper Dicker public entrance and exit signs rewritten in Welsh. "There simply weren’t enough Welsh people," he told a disappointed meeting of Upper Dicker & Cockmarlin Signwriter's Guild, "which, with the benefit of hindsight, was a considerable flaw. I can only apologise, as my honest and pure intention was to stand up for you, the austerity-hit signwriters of Upper Dicker (East) for whom I was, until yesterday, a proud representative. My plan was deceptively simple. The Welsh word for entrance is Pwellygohgollygoh, and the word for exit is Eisteddicarephyllycmwr”.

“Unfortunately this plan - which would not only have ensured 50-75% more annual income for the signwriter and his poor starving children, but would also have provided a much-needed boost for the struggling paint industry - failed to take into account the significant absence of Welsh-speakers in the ward.”

Dyfrd Cllrwdr, the one Welsh-speaking Welshman in Upper Dicker (East) was disqualified from voting because his photo ID did not contain enough vowels.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic commercials, bizarre phone-ins and poetry corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH