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MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH

SAUSAGE LIFE

Bird Guano

The column that wants you to make a list of your ten worst lists, in the order that you hate them.

READER: Did you see the match then?

MYSELF:  If you are referring to England's triumphant passage to the semi-finals of the Euros - yes. I attended a socially distanced event in a pub full of densly packed super-spreaders at the weekend. My NHS Test 'n Trace app has been pinging like a snapped garter ever since. How about you?

READER: Unfortunately I was on a Territorial Army cooking with hand grenades weekend on Salisbury Plain. However I somehow managed to avoid hearing the result, jumped straight into my car at 10pm and drove straight home with the radio off.

MYSELF: And you managed to drive all that way without finding out the score?

READER: Yes! I had to stop for petrol at Basingstoke, but I got round that by wearing earplugs and miming.

MYSELF: Clever.

READER: The worst bit was driving through London. There were were crowds milling around everywhere, but by staring straight ahead I managed to avoid any kind of eye contact, although I did narrowly miss a pedestrian.

MYSELF: I have to admire your determination.

READER: The wife was in bed by the time I arrived home, so I turned on the TV, selected my recording of the game, made myself a sandwich and cracked open a bottle of chilled chablis.

MYSELF: You must have been proud of yourself.

READER: Up to a point, then it all went horribly wrong.

MYSELF: What do you mean?

READER: Well, as I settled down to watch, Wi-Wi my Siamese cat walked in, jumped up on my lap and started purring and digging his sharp claws into my thigh, so I had to shoo him off.

MYSELF: Temporarily painful, but hardly a tragedy.

READER: Just as I was shutting him in the kitchen he looked me straight in the eye and said "It was 4-0 to England."

MYSELF: Hell hath no fury like a Siamese scorned.

POLITICS

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has engaged David Icke to be Transport Minister, replacing Grant Schapps who has been sacked, according to a government spokesperson, "for having too many names".

“I have always been a great admirer of David”, the PM said of the track-suited guru of the gullible,  “He has assured me that, aside from transport, his appointment could be our one chance to save our NHS, which has been heavily infiltrated by amphibious Mexican drug cartels working closely with the Illuminati”.
A spokesman for Mr Icke told us: “David has provoked a lot of controversy in the past, particularly concerning his views on the upper echelons of society, including the Royal Family, many of whom we now know to be giant shape shifting lizard-men. To his detractors I would point out that he has softened his stance considerably since being approached by the Prime Minister, and he now no longer wishes to deport all amphibians - only lizards and some types of toad”.

BALLROOM BOTS

After Hastings' resident boffin Professor Gordon Thinktank was asked to donate one of his automatons for an upcoming exhibition, we telephoned him at his laboratory for a comment but the inventor remained tight-lipped. We received a tipoff however, from an anonymous source close to the professor, implying that he planned  to exhibit an upgraded version of Bojangles, his ballroom dancing robot which in 2013, controversially sailed through the first three audition rounds of Strictly Come Dancing. The Automatic Dancing Partner as the professor originally dubbed it, was eventually eliminated, famously flunking the final round on a footwork technicality. The automaton went on to pursue a successful career as a golf professional and later wed Strictly partner Natalie Bridgework with whom it fathered four children. Bojangles was only exposed as a robot when its battery exploded during an electrical storm on the 14th hole at Wentworth.

IS THERE AN IDIOT IN THE AUDIENCE?

Psychic Doris, the Hastings mystic, has announced a price rise. From next Friday chatting to Doris live online will cost £7.50 per minute, or dead, £11.75 per minute (+VAT). “We apologise for the increase”, her agent Ron Hoax told us, “it’s all down to the plummeting value of sterling following Brexit, which let's face it, none of us saw coming”.

DICTIONARY KORNER

Platitude (n) over-confidence induced by wearing dreadlocks.

Aerosmith (n) a professional welder of chocolate

WORDFACT: The word guacamole comes from the Aztec phrase Holy Guacamole! a cry commonly heard in pre-Columbian times whenever the testicles of slaves became accidentally trapped between the heavy stones used in the construction of pyramids

IN THE COURTS

His honour Lord Justice Hyphen-Hyphen QC was presiding at Hastings Assizes last Thursday in the case of The Crown vs Upper Dicker Harmless Amusements & Money Launderette Ltd.

Melanoma Trumpet QC, acting for the defence, claimed that her client Rodney Delboy was innocent of all charges, and furthermore, was a prominent member of the controversial Church of The Presumptuous Assumption, whose charitable tax-free status rendered it immune from prosecution even if her client was guilty, which he wasn’t.
Mr. Delboy took the stand, and under oath, declared that he was “a citizen of the world,” who was “dedicated to helping others and never done nothing dodgy in me life.” Crown prosecutor Wensleydale Parsimony QC raised an immediate objection on the grounds of the defendent's faulty syntax. Lord Justice Hyphen-Hyphen sustained the objection, and court was adjourned until a grammar expert could be flown in from the USA.

QATAR MAN

As a concession to FIFA ahead of next year's World Cup competition, the Qatar Football Association (QFA) has announced that in future, officials will no longer be beheaded at the end of the game. “It’s an old Saudi tradition which has fallen out of step with current mores”, said QFA’s president Sheikh Hamad Bin Khalifa Bin Ahmed Al-Thani. “If Qatar are to be taken seriously as respected actors on the world soccer stage, we must make efforts to modernise”.  Starting from the 2020/21 season, at the final whistle the referee and linesmen's lives will be spared and they will be subjected to 500 lashes and have their heads shaved.

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