SAUSAGE LIFE

Local artists are positively bristling at the rumours that the FlimFlams are sniffing around Upper Dicker with a view to adding to their vast art collection. The influential collecters are largely responsible for the rise of artists like Bandy Sponk and Tracy Eminem. Installation artist Sponk who won the Ribbentrop Prize for 2003’s Panting Dog Hairdryer told me: “One commission from the FlimFlams can turn an artist’s career around in a split second. Take Creepé Suzettes the controversial French watercolourist who paints only cheese; no one would have heard of her had she not looked after Cribbins, the couple’s St Bernard, whilst they were meditating at an ashram in Hartlepool.” Irene FlimFlam, who oversees the the couple’s ruthless business empire, was seen recently at Upper Dicker’s Pink Triangle Gallery buying up anything which featured cats, including Jazz Up a Drainpipe by sculptor, explorer and exotic jam maker Hasselblad Van der Voome. Enigmatic husband Derek meanwhile was last seen abseiling down the building and peering into the window of Porno Haiku artist Emphysema Ratatouille's 4^th floor studio where she is rumoured to be working on a follow up to her controversial 2017 work Cheer Up You Wanker, It’s Only a Fucking Shoe

This week's guest astrologer

LUCKY LIZ LARUE

All the horoscopic predictions you've been gagging for. Let's face it, nobody conjures up the future like LUCKY LIZ....
so let's just forget about occidental frauds like that fat bloke off the telly, who let's face it, couldn't predict a shit in a bucket.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Fear of an afternoon bat attack leaves you with feelings of existential mayhem around the 4th. A telephone call on the 11th triggers swooning.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
All aquarians should be wary of the full moon on the 23rd, when an angry confrontation with Mars offers scant relief from the frantic cusping of Uranus.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Whenever there are two pieces of metal being joined together you will find a piscean. If foraging for wild mushrooms on the 21st or 22nd is unavoidable, steer clear of anything which is surrounded by dead animals.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Your hair sign is Quango, so stay indoors. A dental appointment on the 23rd turns out to be a trick.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
After a long engagement, your fiancee calls the whole thing off, claiming she always hated your mother's moustache. She returns the ring but keeps the tickets to 'Cats' you bought for her birthday. The 16th brings news of a horse auction in Shropshire.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Disastrous miscalculations result in an unfortunate mix up at work, when a pastry chef from your past pops up unexpectedly. Light strife with some misgivings on the 12th.

Cancer (22 June 23 July)
A postal strike prevents you from hearing bad news on the 19th. The moon's rising conjunctions coincide with your falling sign, Venus, causing a lack of suspicion and optimistic fancy. Anticipate some bicycle wobbling on the 8th and 9th .

Leo (24 July-23 August)
Stay away from Greek restaurants during August, as a collision with a roller-skating waitress is imminent.

Virgo (24 August-23 September)
A caustic soda accident renders you temporarily deaf. Leave your shoes at home on the 27th.

Libra (24 September-23 October)
Although a recent fol de rol at the Australian embassy provokes embarrassment, an impulsive flirtation with pigeon fancying comes to nothing on the 5th.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November)
Scorpios yearn for company as Pluto leaps over Taurus on the 7th. An abundance of seasonal vegetables causes surprise on the17th, but a timely intervention by a pork butcher saves you from humiliation.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December)
Your saggitarian nature demands unswerving loyalty in others, sometimes resulting in unnatural acts with geese. A small package containing an endangered species is intercepted by customs officers around the 8th, much to your relief.

POETRY NOW

THE SPORT OF MASTURBATING MILLIONAIRES

By this week's guest poet Cuthbert String

Soccer’s hot

it hits the spot

it shoots it scores

so hell why not?

its sexy, cool

it breaks the rules
It throws its cash
at tattooed fools

in porno terms
its got the lot

the balls, the legs

the money shot

The tangled limbs

The girlfriend’s whims

The inappropriate synonyms

The heads, the tails

the raw details

the tosser's call

that never fails

Theatre news
BOP TIL YOU DRIP

At the opening night of Haircream, the Andrew Lloyd Webber 1950s tribute musical, fans of The Buddy Holly tribute band Peggy Zoo gathered outside Cockmarlin’s Theatre of Clones to shed crocodile tears after learning that the group had been killed in a fake plane crash. Newcastle’s Yes tribute band, Why Aye stood in at the last minute.

MINE’S A DOUBLE

Did you know that everyone has a doppleganger? Mine is an ioniser salesman from Detroit who during a course in anger management developed a device for modifying the inside of old milk cartons so that they could be used by squirrel rockabilly groups to make tiny tea chest basses. The prototype was stolen by Al Quaida terrorists (disguised as rockabilly squirrels) who are still trying to figure out whether to convert it into a weapon of mass destruction or just sell it on Ebay.

Sausage Life!