SAUSAGE LIFE

At a recent meeting of the Eurosceptic Institute for Mumbo Jumbo, Baloney & Contemptible Bunkum, chief cheerleader Jacob Rees-Mogg, was asked what possible reason there might be for a man of his social position to be not wearing a monocle? “Oh, but that is where you are quite wrong!” The top-hatted, tripe-warbler replied, with an arch, patronising half-smirk.

Utilising a delicate pink aristocratic thumb and forefinger, he adjusted what we had mistakenly assumed until then to be his spectacles:

“As you can see, I am wearing not one monocle, but two. It is no secret that I am, at the very minimum, twice as posh as an ordinary posh person. With that in mind, I instructed an old family friend, the late Bertram Pauper, head jeweller at Bertwhistle & Scrivener of Mayfair, to weld together a pair of antique gold-rimmed monocles.”

Pausing to gaze, stony-faced at a nearby camera, he performed a smile and continued,

“My intention was to secure them to my face using the normal monocle-gurn, but unfortunately, that made me resemble an owl chewing a scorpion. Clever old Bertram came up with the ingenious idea of attaching a thin, hooked rod to either side, which, when anchored to my ears, securely clamps the two monocles to my face.“

Magnified by his double monocle, the noble eyes dimmed like over-poached eggs, as he added gravely,

“The Pauper family has enjoyed a long tradition of faithful service to the gentry, spanning many generations. In our perpetual remembrance of the sacrifices of 1914-18, it is worth noting that Bertram’s great uncle, Wilfred Pauper, threw himself on a land mine in order to protect his commanding officer, my maternal Great Grandfather Lord Montague Mountjoy-Pemberton, as he bravely ordered his men ‘over the top’ at Ypres. Betram went to his grave unselfishly knowing his place, little realising he had facilitated the botoxically inscrutable, yet obsequiously patronising gargoyle-gaze with which my public is now so familiar.”

MORE STUNNING GIFT IDEAS

From the 2023 Guano All Purpose Gift Catalogue

For Dad: A home crystal meth laboratory with 2 pairs Armani Y-fronts.

For Mum: Burberry leather lead-lined hog-slaughtering apron in scarlet or plum.

For Sis: Autographed David Ike mood-swing meditation crystals containing ancient Sanskrit bath salts in lizard-skin presentation case.

For Grandma: Jimmy Choo, spike heeled dominatrix boots with concealed razor attachment.

For Grandpa: Samsonite, Greek cheese-poisoning travel kit (Halloumi or Feta).

RIVAL PIER LATEST

Mystery businessman, Russian emigré Vladimir Nokov, who made his money by cornering Russia’s laundrette market after perestroika, appears to have revised his ambitious plans for the construction of a rival five-kilometre-long pier in Hastings. At a press conference, asked why he planned to re-situate the proposed new pier from the sea front to an area of outstanding natural beauty on the outskirts of Bexhill, he replied, “It’s a no-brainer. Have you seen those waves?”
Nokov, known in Russia as ‘The Laundryman’, is convinced there will be support for his revolutionary landlocked pier.
“Think about it", he told us
"Point 1: A coastal pier, exposed to the sea all day, and for all I know, all night, will be vulnerable to rising damp. Nobody likes rising damp, which can end up being very costly. With an inland construction, damp-related expenses will be kept to the bare minimum".
"Point 2: Visitors to the pier will be able to drive up to either end, where they will discover ample multi-level car parking, a small drive-in responsible gambling centre and affordable snacks".
Nokov explained: "Obviously the pier will now have to be somewhat shorter than my original plan, but by ditching the private jet runway, halving the number of animatronic stampeding elephants and utilizing the water-free lower deck I can squeeze in twice as many family-friendly casinos”.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic commercials, bizarre phone-ins and poetry corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH