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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column that thinks French is analogue and German is digital.

READER: I think I may have italics

MYSELF: Italics! Stay well away from me! I can't afford to have italics, I have a lot of work this week.

READER: Don't worry, its well past the contagious stage.

MYSELF: Well if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not take any chances.

GULL THE OTHER ONE
This is just one of the many letters received following Professor Thinktank's controversial plan to curb Hastings' seagull menace by replacing herring gulls with owls.
Sir,

The ideas of so-called "professor" Thinktank are the meanderings of a deluded sociopath. In the event of an apocalyptic planetary catastrophe, most people agree that a dystopian society ruled by owls and seagulls would be the inevitable result. But who would dominate? Seagulls are beefy and tough, like Tongan rugby players, whereas owls are wise and organised, like accountants. To put it simply; owls know stuff and seagulls are thick.

Furthermore, in an owl-dominated society, the thinned-out human population would have to survive on a trickledown economy, based on the leftovers of regurgitated mice, voles and small birds. Eggs would be beyond ordinary families' budgets because of the difficulty of rearing battery owls. Free range owl eggs, would cost upwards of £2,000 per dozen. Seagull eggs would be far more plentiful, but unfortunately taste like curdled rat vomit. To sum up for the couch potato generation; seagulls are jocks, owls are nerds.
Constantine Trappiste (mrs), Beyondenden Owl Sanctuary

BOOK OF THE MONTH

THE NEW BABEL
The Elevation of Common Sense into Deep Incisive Wisdom, by Candida Beverage
(Frakov & Windfarm £15.99)

This book is an invaluable addition to the great lexical canon, and examines how cruelly we treat language. In Chapter 1-The Mangling, Beverage examines why a big ask came to be more efficient than a question, the reason birthing replaced being born, and how going forward came to mean anything you want it to. www.booksyouwishactuallyexisted.com

NO-BRIANER

I'm getting fed up with people telling me they are "blessed". They are not. They may have been lucky to be in the right place at the right time or to be the random, fortunate victims of chance. They may even have recently acquired a delightful kitten, but they are not "blessed". Only Brian is Blessed.

VATICAN THE MATTER BE?

Pope Francis has declared Madonna to be ex communicato after her blasphemous remarks about His Holiness at a recent concert, during which she referred to the pontiff as Oo-Popey-Doo. Speaking outside Rancho Molesto, Nevada's biggest legal brothel, a spokesman for The Holy Father told Fox News: "Ms Madonna, who in the past has claimed to be "like a virgin" has no right to refer to Catholicism’s capo dei capi, in this demeaning way. I would like to remind Little Miss Pottymouth that The Roman Catholic Church has been providing absolution for the innocent and guilt to the unburdened for over 2,000 years."

Dick’s Ornery Korner

Monkey Wrench (n) Swiss Army Knife accessory for getting monkeys out of horses hooves

Cabnav (n) Device for calculating the longest route between two points
Policy (adj) Full of policemen

POETRY NOW
Pheasant Plucking

By Andrea Litesocket

Plucking pheasants

Is fucking unpleasant

Which is why pheasant pluckers

Are such unpleasant fuckers

WENDY WRITES
Dear Wendy,

Why do you insist upon printing rambling, boring letters not dissimilar to this one, which only serve to reinforce the generally held opinion that the majority of your readers are solely interested in the absurd views of a cretinous minority of people who, like myself, have been abducted by ants; tiny extra-terrestrial ants which gained entrance to my house disguised as currents in some Dundee Cake (a type of cake of which I am particularly fond), and after I had innocently eaten the cake (which was delicious by the way, moist and fruity), burst forth from my abdomen on the one afternoon when I had forgotten to take my medication and beamed me aboard their huge atomic-powered ant spacepod which they had parked in my front garden completely flattening my hydrangea and demolishing the fence which separates me from my neighbour Sammy Davis Jnr who is trying to gaslight me by magnetising my cutlery using a sophisticated short wave cutlery magnetiser which he got from his friends in the CIA who want to have me rubbed out because of what I know about the Kennedy assassination?

R.Sheets
Scalliwag Ward
Pfaff Secure Institutions Inc
The Netherlands

WENDY WRITES: Are any other readers being inconvenienced by short wave cutlery magnetiser-wielding dead celebrity neighbours? Your letters, and any other new Kennedy assassination evidence please!

BEAR FACTS
Dear Wendy,

Now that the royal sport of fox-hunting has been banned and the reactionary Marxist-Leninist Labour Party now wants to proscribe even the humane non-lethal version, Ru Paul's Drag Racing, might I suggest, perhaps controversially, the re-introduction of bear-baiting? Over the past two years, a total of eleven people in my village have been chewed to death. The culprits? A gang of escaped grizzly bears who, after consuming alcohol, rampage through our sleepy hamlet whenever they fancy biting a face off. Quite frankly, many people are beginning to get fed up.
Tighter security on bear farms has been called for, but in my view this would be yet another case of bolting the horses long after the door has been allowed to escape. Most of my long suffering neighbours have been forced to surround their homes with lethal bear traps, which to date have caused the agonising deaths of seven innocent postmen going about the Queen's business. The solution is staring us all in the face. Properly licensed bear-baiting pits would serve a dual purpose as they would keep the rampaging bear population down, whilst at the same time providing simple, honest entertainment for the bloodthirsty masses.

Bob Hayseed (faarmer)
Hassock-in-the-Wurne
Gridlock

WENDY WRITES: Should men on horses who chase cuddly little foxes, encourage packs of savage dogs to tear them apart, then smear their bloody tails on children's faces be unbanned? Readers are invited to send in their angry marauding bear stories, either made up or true

JOKEBOX
I heard three rib-cracking jokes this week, but the editor says that due to lack of space, I can only print the punch lines. (I said lack of taste -ed)

1. I would, but I can't get it to keep still.

2. Not if you don't eat the curly ones.

3. How do you expect a man with a wooden leg to catch a kangaroo?

Sausage Life

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

Click terrifying image for video

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

click image for video

Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click images to connect.

Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...