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KEEP SMILING AND VOTE CONSERVATIVE

Bird Guano's
SAUSAGE LIFE

If anyone wants me I’ll be in The Horse, as the Trojan dog said to the little old Greek lady who'd swallowed a fly

MYSELF: I’ve just bought one of Professor Thinktank’s latest inventions, the Swami Cordless Centrifugal Vacuum Cleaner, based on the Hindu soul system.

READER: Did you mean solar system?

MYSELF: No I did not. Pay attention. The Swami’s unique Karmic filter not only cleanses but removes any traces of negativity or selfish entitlement which may have inadvertently crept into the subconscious, so that after death one is perfectly reincarnated as good as new, spick and span, like one of Weatherspoon’s immaculate toilets.

READER: As clean as that? I want one! The Swami sounds too good to be true! But will it deal with a lifetime’s accumulated guilt? I was brought up a Roman Catholic you know.

MYSELF: Steady on, it’s not that good.

HUG A TORY

In an exclusive interview with Sausage Life, Suella Braverman, the woman so often accused of cold, empathy-free remoteness reveals her warm human side to our political correspondent Semolina Marinade.

SM: Good morning Mrs. Braverman, and may I say you are looking unusually lovely today?

BRAVERMAN: Unusually? What do you mean?

SM: Er, what I mean is, you are looking lovely in an unusually lovely way, especially those shoes.

BRAVERMAN: I didn't get them for nothing, if that's what you're insinuating.

SM: Certainly not ma'am. Now then, I've prepared some questions, some of which may not be on the list your secretary gave me this morning, so let's start with a burning issue which...

BRAVERMAN: This lady's not for burning!

SM: Ha ha! No, I'm sure, but a lot of our readers want to know this; are you a cat person or a dog person?

BRAVERMAN: Of course that would very much depend on the dog or cat, and whether or not these animals were eligible to remain in the UK but I will be better able to answer that question once we have begun to transport illegally imported dogs and cats to Rwanda and my team of researchers have finished number-crunching the results of our dog/cat focus group survey indicating which would be the most popular answer. Next question.

SM: OK, West Side Story, or Cats?

BRAVERMAN: Cats again? What are you getting at? I refer you to the answer I didn't give earlier.

SM: Finally Mrs Braverman, will we still be in the Eurovision Song Contest now that we have achieved total Brexit?

BRAVERMAN: Oh dear. Look, if I were to let the cat....or dog...out of the bag, where would that leave our negotiating position? If you expect me to give you a hot and cold running commentary on my secret plans, then you clearly do not understand the meaning of the word boats, nor for that matter, stop.

SL: Thank you Mrs Braverman.

IN, OUT, OR BOTH?

BGP candidate Ron Gravy has outlined his plans to have all public entrance and exit signs rewritten in Welsh. " The British Gravytrain Party," he told a meeting of The Upper Dickere Signwriter's Guild, "is the only party brave enough to stand up for the austerity-hit signwriters of East Sussex and Kent. My plan is simple. The Welsh word for entrance is Pwellygogolly, and the word for exit is Eisteddicarephylly, which would mean not only 50-75% more income for the signwriter and his poor hungry children, but a welcome boost for the struggling paint industry".

READER: So that means the Welsh for Brexit, would be Breisteddicarephylly?

MYSELF: (Sighing), I suppose it would, yes.

WORD DEAF

by Dick Shea & Harry Korner

YAI (n) artificial geordie intelligence

Chatbot (n) talking anus

THE CAULIFLOWER RICE COMPLEX

Those of you who thought that cauliflower rice, was just cauliflower made into rice are in for a shock - things are much worse than you think. Underage cauliflowers, (almost always female and from poor educationally-deprived rural backgrounds), are procured by children working for ruthless bearded hipster gangs. After being illegally smuggled into the country they are forced to sleep with many varieties of rice, (sometimes up to 15kg a day). As soon as the cauliflower falls pregnant, the resulting offspring is removed and trafficked to up-and-coming urban areas, where it is auctioned to artisan restaurants by bearded men dressed as lumberjacks. Next week: Spiralised goat spaghetti

NEARLY FAMOUS

Potential stars were born at Hestmonceaux’s premier venue The Cats Pajama, where a capacity audience witnessed the final heat of local promoter Lou Mogulstein’s International Battle of the Bands. The first and second placed acts, as judged by a panel of industry experts, will be signed up to a watertight 25-year contract by Mogulstein and Cats Pajama owner Reg "Grassy" Knowles’ record label ADHD;

Outright winners, with their trademark giant inflatable walrus floating above them, were The Eskimo Pink Floyd, who delighted the audience by performing Dark Side of The Moon behind a huge wall of ice blocks, which gradually melted to reveal the band, clad in the traditional sealskins of the North American Inuit, flanked by the Motorcycle Display Penguins of Anchorage.

In second place, Christian Death-Rock outfit Snake-Venom Enema performed a blistering set of brand new material, but were sensible enough to include some mosh-pit favourites, like the distortion-drenched Jesus, Where Art Thou Now? and the heavy metal headbanger The Lord Is Watching And He Knoweth Thy Dirty Secret from their debut album Shark Vomit.

In the one downside to what was an otherwise excellent evening, Cockmarlin-based leather garage quartet Acid Reflux appeared onstage an hour late, and then let a pack of dangerous dogs loose on some disgruntled members of the audience. One ex-fan said, "That's it. I will never go to a Seaweed gig again. Last time they played here they threw cigars into the audience which exploded when you lit them - which wasn't too bad if you didn't smoke - but frankly, this is going too far."

Sausage Life!

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...