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SAUSAGE LIFE
By Bird Guano
The column that just says no, even when it means yes

READER: You look upset, what’s up?
MYSELF: I parked my unicycle outside a certain pub, which you know and I know but whose name must remain unspoken, and when I came out someone had stolen the saddle.
READER: Ow! That must have been an uncomfortable ride back.
MYSELF: Put it this way, although an innate sense of modesty and a sincere wish not to offend my public prevents me from describing my journey, suffice to say that by the time I reached home I found the high notes in Bohemian Rhapsody surprisingly easy to reach.

APOLOGY

The editors have asked me to mention that the painting featured in the arts section of our last issue was mistakenly captioned Spring Lambs at Beachy Head and attributed to Lucian Frightwig, when it should have read Hyenas Devouring the Body of Marcel Proust by Damien Hurst. The editor of this newspaper unreservedly and publicly apologises for any offence taken, but in private, sniggers like a broken fireman’s hose.

GULLIBLE

Professor Gordon Thinktank’s latest invention Splatgon, his patent disposable nappies for seagulls, have proved a big hit with the seaside-dwelling car-owning public, but not so with radical environmental group Poop. Their spokesman Bill Toblerone told us “Yes, capturing gulls and getting them to wear nappies - a skill which requires strength, cunning and the ability to keep the birds still long enough to put the nappies on - has created much-needed jobs; but let us not forget that many of our members work in local car washes and these nappies are destroying their livelihoods”.

Professor Thinktank’s office has confirmed that the inventor has started work on an update to a previous patent, the Gullgon Displacer as a possible replacement for the controversial scheme. “I accept that the nappies are not everyone’s cup of tea”, Thinktank told us, “So I am reintroducing a new improved version of the Gullgon Displacer which takes my original idea one step further. This time the decoy rubbish bin will be stuffed with brightly coloured McDonald’s containers to attract the gulls. Once inside they will discover that the boxes contain not the expected McDonalds burger gloop but Pizza Hut crusts and KFC Chicken Lumps and there will be no chips, which completely disorientates them. The bin flap springs shut behind the confused gulls whose only means of escape is the door to a 38 mile tunnel. which eventually leads the seabirds to a secret location near Brighton where, as soon as they exit, the door springs shut”.

A QUESTION OF GARDENING

Our green fingered tree psychiatrist Mimsie Borogove offers advice on all things haughty and cultural.

Dorothy Palindrome, of Upper Dicker writes:

Dear Mimsie,

I have a fifteen foot tall Wisteria which, after the recent damp winter, appears to be taking over the garden! What shall I do?

Dear Dorothy,

This looks to me like a cry for help. Your poor Wisteria is suffering from a clear crisis of self which may require more than a simple re-pot. Wisteria sinensis, is a passive aggressive species, prone to feelings of guilt and rejection and should on no account be prevented from exploring its gender-identity, as this will serve only to restrict its personal growth. If you happen to notice the smell of gin, or pools of tears collecting around the roots in the morning, the chances are your wisteria may suffering from mild depression. Tell-tale symptoms may include night sweats, projectile vomiting and a type of plant-based Turette’s syndrome known as gymnospermian hyper-onomatopoeia. My advice is to smear goose fat on the outer stem and prune off the quark tendrils every four days until the behaviour returns to something approaching normality.

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SOCCER SHOCKER

According to sources inside the club, Sergio “The Horse” Peccadillo, outspoken Italian manager of Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC, appears to be contemplating the final curtain. The club’s tenure in the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (south) looks to be over after the humiliating 8-0 midweek thrashing by league leaders Hellingly Supernaturals.

Ever the controversialist, Sergio was tracked down to the Tortured Cat Karaoke Lounge in Lower Wilmington, where, having taken the team for a post-match debriefing, he appeared surprisingly upbeat about the whole affair. Relaxing between two cocktail waitresses after a stentorian rendition of Simply the Best, he gave us this statement; “Football is like algebra, where x is the ball, y is the ref, and the unknown quantity is the score. The players gave their hearts for me out there, and in some cases their livers. We've only been in here half an hour and most of the team are inconsolable already. We are not finished yet. Even though we are certain to be relegated, we could still stay up. Football is a funny old game and I'm certainly going to miss it when I'm sacked."

BOOTS ON THE GROUND

Ron Maserati, the managing director of a firm of bootmakers based in the UK has been blamed by Republican front runner Donald Trump for America’s defeat in Vietnam. The ex-president made the accusation in Bigly, Indiana whilst opening the latest branch of Trumpco his chain of MAGA-themed supermarkets, where he told the braying crowd of morons he was going to “sue somebody’s ass off”.

When we spoke to Mr Maserati of The Maserati All-Terrain Boot Company (registered in Panama), he flatly denied responsibility for losing the war.

"Frankly I am outraged” he told us “It was all a long time ago. Nobody told me nothing about the men wearing them boots, nor what sort of ground they was going to be put on. All I done was deliver boots to the US Army as requested and whatever went wrong afterwards had nothing to do with me. Read my terms and conditions."

Sausage Life!

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

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Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

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