SAUSAGE LIFE

"Sure there's nothing the horses like better than to be whipped into jumping fences three times their own height by short angry men in silk pyjamas who left school when they were nine, so it is"

Shameless O'Hooligan, Pedigree Chum Ltd

Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column that believes in pan-dimensional ambiguity even though there is no such thing

READER: I can't get into my computer!

MYSELF: That must be awful for you, although I must say, a relief for the rest of us.

READER: No, really, I forgot my password.

MYSELF: Passwords are notoriously difficult to remember. I’m always forgetting mine, so I've had it tattooed on my forehead.

READER: Surely that would…

MYSELF: (interrupting): Backwards of course. I'm not stupid!

TALKING BALLS

An open letter to The Times signed by 75 doctors, health experts and academics has recommended that tackling should be eliminated from rugby football, and quite right too.

I have a few sporting health and safety suggestions myself; for instance, boxing in its present form is known to contribute to bruised ribs, broken noses and chronic conditions like cauliflower ear and artichoke heart. It’s perfectly obvious that the elimination of punching will make the noble art much less hazerdous. Similarly, the ski jump would be nowhere near as dangerous if the angle of the slope was reduced from its present level to say, five degrees. As far as The Grand National is concerned, if the equestrian element was entirely removed and it was run with jockeys only, the risk to horses would be considerably lowered.

CENTRE CAUGHT
Sylvanian Tennis idol Molotova Gettamov made a tearful appearance at a televised press conference recently, after admitting she had used a performance-enhancing substance, recently banned by the Tennis Association. Dressed in a fetching maid's outfit with a revealing blouse, the grand-slam winner revealed to panting journalists that she has been prescribed the drug, marketed under several names including Rapidomate and Velocitas, for over ten years as legitimate medication for her numerous tennis-related conditions including Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, Chronic Hypertension, Crohn's Disease and Screaming.

ASK WENDY

Erroneous advice from our fully unqualified agony aunt

Whilst I love hearing from my American readers, frankly this is just the type of letter I try to discourage.

Dear Wendy,
I live in Hope.
Sincerely,
Quentin Snack,

Hope, Indiana

And then there's this:

Dear Wendy,

a). Are there such things as ghosts?
b). If so, where can I get one?

Marjorie Daw,

Paranoia, Texas

Dear Marjorie,

a). Yes, there are.
b). The Paranoia Retail Afterlife Centre 3500 Coconino Highway, (Route 666) .

DUE TO LACK OF SPACE, THE EDITOR HAS REQUESTED I ANSWER THE REST OF MY MAILBAG WITH THESE BRIEFLY PLIES

To Mrs Cynthia Dreller of Hydrogen, Kent

Yes you will go to the ball, but don't forget to be home by midnight. A pumpkin can be very vulnerable in a collision.

To ”Worried”, the anxious father who wrote asking advice about his wayward son who has begun to smoke maijuana, drink heavily and steal cars.

Dear Worried,
thank you for your letter. “With whom he associates” is, I suspect, what you meant to write. Let us not allow our inherent sense of morality to override the rules of good grammar. We are not beasts of the field.

WHOOSH, ZAP!

The notorious gang known as The Foley Boys are on the run, having escaped from their own radio show, along with psychotic sound effects man Harry "Clip-Clop" Clemson, (The Coconut Kid). They are thought to be armed with hilariously funny scripts and police have warned members of the public not to approach them.

Hastings' chief of police Hydra Gorgon told us, "These men are cruel ruthless criminals, who, in their relentless pursuit of cheap laughs show no regard for the safety of innocent bystanders. If spotted, do not engage with them, particularly Clemson, a known arsonist, ventriloquist and kidnapper. He has been known to tie his victims to a chair, blindfold them, light some newspaper in a bucket and scrunch up sheets of cellophane, causing them to think they are in a burning building. I can also reveal that he has a string of convictions, including throwing his voice in the "talking book" section of the library, and causing panic by impersonating a mongoose in a men's sauna."

DICTIONARY CORNER:

Disposition (n) the position assumed by the opposers of datposition.

Bathyscape (n) The consequence of forgetting to put the plug in properly.

SAUSAGE NIGHT

I would like to personally thank everyone who attended the star-studded event at The Angry Dolphin, Little Cockmarlin the other night in honour of legendary Hastings inventor Gordon Thinktank. Although a wonderful time was had by all, Professor Thinktank has asked me to appeal to anyone in attendance who may have accidentally picked up his prototype machine for diagnosing schizophrenia in tortoises. The electronic device, we have been informed, could be inadvertently mistaken for a hair dryer, with potentially catastrophic results.

POETRY NOW
Fr. Randolph Pollock is a Roman Catholic priest, author and professor of biscuits at Quornmince College, Upper Dicker. His work includes The Laundry Maid's Verruca, A Question of Milk and No Pants For Douglas.

MY CAT
by Fr. Randolph Pollock.

My cat is yellow

and very very

slippery.

We built a flap on the door

for him to ooze in an out of.

Which is why we call him Pus.

THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPICE

The Spice Girls are reforming and Silly Spice, official spokesperson for the national pop treasures, has granted us an exclusive interview. Wearing a Union Jack slaughterman's apron and chain smoking untipped Gauloise, Silly told us: “This reunion comes just in the nick of time – Girl Power is going to reunite the UK after all this fucking Brexit bollocks, pardon my French. As you know, me and the other Spices, Sneezy, Happy and Skinty, have always been like well political and what with gender fluidity and LBGQ stuff, we feel the time has come to jump on the bandwagon and make some dosh out of it. Homeless Secretary Cruella Braverman – who self identifies as a woman by the way – has already asked us to write a new album commemorating this great leap forward, and Bob, the guy who does all our songwriting, is on it like a Shakespeare sonnet!”
When we asked whether Nasty Spice, the footballer’s wife who always looks as though she is having a selfie, will be joining the girls on tour despite rumoured artistic and personal differences, she laughed manically, stubbed her cigarette out on her arm and lit up another.

“Hahaha,” she said unconvincingly. “Of course we’re still friends, but Nasty is far too busy promoting VeeDee, her shitty perfume which smells like cat poo, and having herself tattooed with pictures of her stupid husband Ron Statue, the golden-balled airhead. If you want to know if the miserable cow is going to appear, you’ll just have to buy a ticket." adding "If there are any left!”

Taking his cue, a pair of complimentary tickets and an Access All Areas backstage pass, our reporter made his excuses and left.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic commercials, bizarre phone-ins and poetry corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH