SAUSAGE LIFE

MYSELF: Yes, I did, along with a further 46,000 requests purporting to be from other people, but which are actually generated from Linkedin's robot database. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer my pyramid schemes to have at least a pyramid.

READER: God you're such a stick-in-the-mud! These days everybody who's anybody is on Linkedin.

MYSELF: That's all very well, but what's it for?

READER: Eh? What's it for? Linkedin? I should have thought that was obvious.

MYSELF: Well let's assume it isn't obvious, and tell me what it's for.

READER: Er... Linkedin. It's a sort of networking thingy isn't it?

MYSELF: Go on........

READER: it's a place where...a place where you......where you can like...... network, with people of similar.....er....with like-minded people who are...erm.....people who would like to....er.

MYSELF: I rest my case. No further questions M'Lud.

DEAD COMEDIAN SURPRISE WIN
‘Professor’ Stanley Unwin, who died in 2002, has confounded polls by winning the Upper Dicker by-election representing The Breakfast Party.

Contacted by TV psychic duo Medium and Large, he issued this brief statement via Ouija board, outlining the radical direction of the new party:

“Politicky ofty communicatle like a flapperly fly-paper, all of a sticky fluttermost

over the early morny windlow". he tapped out "We in the Breckermost Partly stand for deep joy in the wokely diversimost, a rainblow meltypotter of several smouldery sausages, proportional black puddle, toasty orange marmalady, a steamly mug of milky teapot – and unforgettabold – severalode crispymost rashers of the porkly pig.

But the egg, fried upper-over easily, is, in my deeplyest humblode opinion, the icicle on the cakehole. This chuckly egg, hen-laid all speckly cornpecking in the free rangerly, is truly the tastymost!

I humblemostly declare these worms to be the deep firmamost fundamold of the Breakfast Partly manifesterole.
www.stanleyunwin.com/audio.html

PADDING IT OUT

The MCC issued strong denials this week after it was revealed that the government's Department of Sports and Recreation have been manipulating county cricket scores to, according to leaked whatsapp messages, "make the country seem more successful". The scandal broke after fanatical cricket fan Jamset Ram Singh smelt a rat as he read a report in The Rangoon Courier on the one-day clash between Worcestershire and Surrey. The report claimed that during the morning session Worcestershire were all out for 6,857 runs, with Surrey's leg spinner Gallstone(JK) taking 46 wickets.

After lunch, according to the paper, Surrey's opening pair Sponge (M) and Cleethorpe (R), replied with a combined knock of 18,553 enabling skipper Wassi Mattur to confidently declare before tea, leaving Worcestershire an almost impossible task.

"Incredibly", the report went on to say, "Worcestershire racked up 47,530 for 4, and won the game by two innings and 27 wickets".

We attempted to contact directors of the MCC at Lords, but were informed that they were undertaking an official nap after hosting a dinner with bribery and corruption officials from the Indian Cricket Board and were unavailable for comment.

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FOODIE NEWS

Queues began forming before dawn in a bid to secure a table at Upper Dicker's latest hipster restaurant Guilty, which opened last weekend opposite Herr Shirt the new German gentlemen's outfitters in the High Street. There were so many beards at Guilty's opening that flocks of nesting sparrows had to be beaten off with sticks. Exhausted kitchen staff told me the top orders were baby octopus arms in whale semen, dolphin beak tartare and orangutan tagine surprise.

DICTIONARY CORNER

Baby oil (n) mild lubrication for curing squeaky infants

Wysiwyg (n) quick-change toupée.

Hursuit (n) the outfit she wears at work

READER'S LETTERS

Opening my bulging mailbag, filled as it was with the usual incontinent rubbish, I chanced on a couple of enquiries I was able to shine some light on.

Mrs.Onya Byche of Cranbrook wrote:

Dear Mr. Guano, (or may I call you Bird?),

can you please settle an argument? My friend claims that paintings depicting the inhabitants of the Garden of Eden with navels are factually incorrect, since Adam and Eve were created by God without the use of a womb. As a confirmed atheist, I say that is palpable nonsense. Who is right?

I replied:

Dear Mrs. Byche (no you may not),

I would be delighted to settle your argument. First of all God very definitely exists, otherwise we wouldn't have Jehovah's Witnesses. Regarding the depicted navels, they have nothing to do with umbilical cords, which in the case of Adam and Eve would be redundant since they were created by God using his special powers, which bypass rumpy-pumpy and birth. The fact is, if you look hard enough you will see that all paintings have belly buttons, which is what art gallery staff use to carry them about.

Mr. V. 'Biff' Smith of Hastings posed this question, one which has troubled many great thinkers throughout the millennia:

Dear sir or madam,

before the invention of the light bulb, what appeared above people's heads when they had an idea?

I was happy to supply Mr Smith with the following information:

Dear Biff,

before Mr. Edison patented the incandescent light bulb, the thing that hovered above people's heads when they were struck with a brilliant idea was either a ball of wool with crossed knitting needles or a plate of mashed potatoes with sausages poking out and two fried eggs stuck to the sides.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode will centre around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs and a number of surrealistic and bizarre phone-ins and commercials from Bird Guano. Not forgetting everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH