SAUSAGE LIFE

MYSELF: Whilst Rishi Sunak is on holiday at his California dacha, everyone in the Tory Party is wondering who the front-runners are as they plot to replace him before next May's general election.

READER: I know you’ve got inside information so don’t beat about the bush.

MYSELF: I’ll give you a clue, one of them said this: “Illegal migrants who object to being banged up in a floating prison ship can fuck off back to France." - who was it?

READER: A quiz! Brilliant! Let me see….. Cruella Braverman is heartless enough, but is thicker than a metric tonne of condemned mince and doesn’t swear.

MYSELF: Not her.

READER: I suppose it could be Victorian religious zealot Jacob Grease-Smogg who is certainly cruel enough but alas, also doesn’t swear, plus I think the Tories have been advised to steer clear of top hats. This is a very difficult question. It could be monstrous gang-moll Priti Patel who's been very quiet since she went on the lam… MYSELF: Neither of them.

READER: Surely it can’t be Nadene Doris who is obviously off the A-list after she got turned down for the Lords despite all that sucking and blowing…

MYSELF: Now steady on! Nadene Doris is the bee’s knees as well as the cat’s pajamas. She is a fragrant rock, a possible future dictator and I won’t hear a word said against her. Only Ann Widdecombe has more stature, grace and eloquence.

READER: Good grief you're not suggesting it's the gurning groupie? Although Doris does rhyme with Boris.

MYSELF: It's definitely not Doris - she’s far too busy getting AI to write her next novel. Here’s a clue: It was Conservative deputy chairman and chisel-faced shit, Lee Anderson.

READER: I’m going to have a guess. Was it Cuthbert Trubblet-Mill MP, the right wing ex-Yorkshire cricketer?

MYSELF: If you say so.

DIM AND DIMMER

Boxing promoter Harry Hernia has signed the contract for the long anticipated return to the ring of fresh-out-of-rehab heavyweight face-puncher Typhoon Anger. His opponent will be Mexican veteran Mickey “Chihuahua” Gonzales (53), 11 stone lighter and 9 inches shorter than Anger and, his critics claim, ‘a pushover’. Gonzales’ manager, José ‘no way’ Huevos said, “ Looks can be deceiving. It would be a big mistake to underestimate The Chihuahua. My boy’s like a miniature combine harvester on steroids. He will reap The Typhoon like wheat, bag him up and leave him all over the ring in black plastic bundles. His footwork is a blur. One round will be enough. The difference in height means nothing. He can jump like a grasshopper. His flying uppercut will be the angry bull in Typhoon’s china-shop jaw.”

Anger’s manager Ron Maserati countered: “The Chihuahua doesn’t stand a chance. Typhoon’s in tip-top shape since his withdrawal symptoms wore off. He’s down to two bottles of gluten-free vodka a day. His arms are like legs. His right hook is even more devastating than his left. It’s like a jet-powered piranha fish wrapped in cement. Don’t even mention the footwork. One of the judges on Strictly described Typhoon’s feet as “like two tiny hovercrafts”. I’ll give Chihuahua two rounds at the most.”
Dubbed “Brawl of the Century”, the bout will take place on 4th September at Upper Dicker’s Travelodge Casino Stadium where the two brain-damaged ex-alcoholic sociopaths will battle it out for a purse thought to be in excess of £500.

POLICEFUL DEMONSTRATION

Hastings’ latest dressing up and getting drunk event took place last week. Like Pirate Day, Constable Day now in its third year, has captured Hastings’ imagination. This year’s event was a resounding success as Hastings shattered the record for the total number of people assembled in one place dressed as policemen or WPCs.

On a blistering June morning, the town quickly filled up with ‘officers of the law’, and by noon, the previous record-holders’ total of 8,710 (Taunton, 2017), was easily overtaken. Even after the judges disqualified 54 ineligible plain-clothes detectives and a confused couple from Suffolk who arrived wearing artists smocks and carrying palettes and paint brushes, Hastings’ 9,457 turnout easily outstripped that of their west country rivals.

Hastings’ lord mayor Derek Windfarm praised the effort, saying: “The townspeople, as always, got into the spirit of things 110 %, which is, coincidentally, also the figure Hastings chief of police Hydra Gorgon has given me for the regrettable spike in petty crime which occurred that day as hundreds of intoxicated ‘policemen’ emptied the shelves of clothing stores and off-licences, leaving a trail of confused shopkeepers across the town.”

WARRIORS’ WOES CONTINUE

As the 23/24 football season prepares to kick off, Podraig Bin-Paddiwagon, new owner of Hastings & St. Leonards Warriors FC has sparked controversy. The man who claimed to be a well-connected oil-rich billionaire member of the Saudi Royal family, has now been revealed as a fraud by investigators at the Beyondenden Daily Bugle. Their report has revealed that he is not an Arab sheik, but an Irish chef, whose previous job was flipping burgers at the Upper Dicker branch of Calories R Us.

Warrior’s captain Nobby Balaclava told us, “This is a bitter disappointment right at the beginning of the season, especially after last year’s shock relegation to the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South). The lads are inconsolable, particularly as we had all ordered 4-wheel drive cars and got measured up for Armani suits in anticipation of £250,000 a week salaries and deodorant sponsorships. It now looks as though the promised Olympic-sized stadium with its own money laundry facilities and jumbo jet runway is not going to materialise, along with the luxury yacht marina and an exciting new away strip.”

As we went to press, Mr. Bin-Paddiwagon’s telephone number appeared to be unavailable. His luxury caravan, parked in a dogging layby just outside of Herstmonceaux, was deserted when we called. The FA have cancelled the purchase and given the club 30 days to find a new owner.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH