SAUSAGE LIFE

Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

By Colin Gibson
The column which believes that life is a journey, but often the services have unsatisfactory toilet facilities

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AWAY WITH THE FAERIES 

Pream & Strewell, UK’s leading lights in Energy Awokefulness Therapy, Hindu Yawn Karma and Contemplative Incubation, are offering this opportunity of a psychic weekend in mystical Essex. Magical experiences will unfold as you relax in one of our luxury pop-up yurts on the 23rd floor of a reclaimed 1960s multi-story office block. Incubate your biorhythms and relocate your spiritual core as you gaze through 100% double- glazed windows at the ancient sacred panoramic twin vistas of Clacton, the ancient seat of the mythological Norse King Håakenhaåar the Terrible and and Billericay, home of the legendary Essex Sausage.

READER: Excuse me, what’s this?

MYSELF: This is a paid-for advertisement, and therefore beyond your remit.

READER: I love an Essex Sausage as much as the next man, but relocate your spiritual core? Incubate your biorhythms? Have you no shame?

MYSELF: None. How do you think I paid for this suit? Or did you mean “have I no shamanism?”

READER: Sorry? 

MYSELF: Never mind. Anyway, step aside, the ad’s not finished yet.

... Amazingly, this contemplative weekend of neo-paganist cognitive illuminati, postmodern mantra- dancing and tantric rebirthing wrapped in a transcendental enigma of introvertive enlightenment will set you back no more than a drink-all-you-like weekend at Butlins featuring 70s soul legends, or a week’s supply of personal massage at Harlow’s famous HappyEndings Nail Bar ‘n Slave Mart.

Book now. Tickets £585 + VAT, yoga mat and chopsticks not included. Hellenistic Inebriation and Orthopaedic Buddhism only available on 48hrs notice.
www. awaywiththefaeries.org
#takethemoneyandrun

THE SAUSAGE LIFE FITNESS VIDEO

Now available for download. Get your life back in shape before it’s too late. Exercise along with Bird Guano and curvy fitness superstar Helen Hardwater as they take you through the twelve steps to body perfection. Step one; ditch those small wine glasses. Weight-wise, they provide no resistance and impressive pecs don’t just appear from nowhere. Heavier wine glasses have been scientifically proven to develop rock hard arm-muscle tonality, as well as preventing hair loss. BicepGlass, the fitness-conscious wine receptacle, is exclusively available from Guanoglobal Inc. The BicepGlass holds a whole bottle of wine and its lead-lined base will help you develop arms like Popeye in no time. Just send your online banking ID and password with your mother’s maiden name to: sausagelifefitness@gmail.com and we’ll forward the other eleven steps along with our wellbeing pack which includes a pair of BicepGlasses two bottles of Pino Grigio and 40 complimentary cigarettes.

SELFIE SERVICE
Are you fed up with trying to juggle a busy work/life balance with the endless quest for online self-publicity? Anxious about getting enough likes on your social media page? Now it’s time to say goodbye to Facebook misery! Our professionally-trained photographer, Antonio Mussellini (no relation), specialises in fake selfies. His consummate skill in arm-positioning will ensure that no-one will ever know you didn’t take it yourself.
And why not take advantage of Antonio’s unique post-production cheekbone enhancing service - now available as an optional extra - which will take all the stress out of trying not to look like a needy, corpulent slug? Half price all day Thursday.

TAT, TOO?
These days, now that there isn’t anyone, anywhere, who doesn’t have a tattoo, we all take for granted the regular, public display of skin graffiti. The public, however, reacted with horror after it was revealed that footballer Nobby Balaclava, Hastings & St Leonards Warriors’ ruthless midfield enforcer, has had a questionable image inked on his calf. The picture (which went predictably viral) of Nobby rolling down his sock and displaying a vivid illustration of Attilla the Hun and Genghis Khan torturing a kitten has opened up a can of worms, which ironically is what Wayne Rooney has allegedly had tattooed on his penis.

MARMITE BREAKTHROUGH

Professor Gordon Thinktank, Hastings’ premier inventor and lately, nutritional scientist, has suggested a solution to what he calls The Marmite Problem.
“Is it time,” asks Thinktank, “ to reassess Marmite? This symbol of British Bull-doggedness in the face of impossible odds is a not only a national treasure but has since become the meme of polarized opinion, in the sense that one either loves it or loathes it.” He was describing his latest patent application for the rebranding of England’s most famous and puzzling snack spread, originally discovered as a sticky deposit on the bottom of a beer-brewing barrel by German scientist Justus von Leibig when he woke up following a lad’s night out.

After experimenting with literally hundreds of flavours including Spearmint, New Car and Laughing Gravy he managed to compile a comprehensive shortlist by canvassing public opinion and running a series of tastings.

“The people’s preferences were clear but occasionally surprising.” he told us, “Licorice, for example, which totally preserves the original colour, was soundly rejected in favour of Marzipan. The top-rated flavour, curiously, was wild strawberry, but whether the British public is ready to accept red Marmite is another question”. According to US manufacturer Global Spreads Inc, the original flavour, yeast, will be repackaged in an earthenware jar as Marmite Classic, and will be sold at a premium price alongside the latest flavours from November.

POETRY NOW
Hidden Dimensions by Lydia Puce

I dreamt I saw Michael Jackson’s nose

On a display shelf in the Oval Office

next to the portrait of Elvis

pointing a gun and flashing

his FBI badge

at some teenage fans.

It was in the space

formerly occupied by

the specimen jar containing

the black, mummified stalk

of Errol Flynn’s penis,