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SAUSAGE LIFE
Bird Guano
The column which has an unexpected item in its bagging area

MYSELF: Why does chinese food look so shiny, yet taste so dull?

READER: That is racist, foodist, shinyist, superficial, and more to the point, not funny.

MYSELF: Actually I'm trying to make a serious point here.

READER: Well push off then, we want a laugh.

MYSELF: Anything to keep the peace.

EVE STROPPER
I overheard this as I was queuing up in the Town Hall for my government-sponsored chocolate biscuit vouchers:-
CLERK: How many children do you have?

MAN: Three.

CLERK: Sex?

MAN: I suppose it must have been.

Who says educational standards are falling?

OXY MORON

Guru of Gob Russell Brand has come out with this mind-blowing statement: “I believe in the inevitability of change….”

Russell darling, believing in the inevitability of change is like believing in the coldness of snow, or the versatility of soup. If only the tight-trousered twerp would stop trying to impress people with this sort of verbose claptrap and speak normally, columns like this wouldn't be of the opinion that he Is a lightweight, attention-seeking narcissist.

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READERS WRITE
This week's postbag was overflowing with the usual vacuous twaddle, two depressing examples of which are reproduced below.

APOSTROPHE CATASTROPHE

Dear sir (and I use the term loosely),

In my opinion, the art of pedantry is careering very rapidly downhill, possibly towards the edge of a dangerously steep cliff. Take this recent example: As I was patiently correcting the grammar of a greengrocer who was advertising lovely ripe tomatoe's 90p (!), I innocently remarked that he was an ignoramous and an imbecile, a typical mutton-headed product of the working class educational system. Before you could say "lovely melons madam" he had leapt over the Maris Pipers and was threatening to test the elasticity of my colon with a Jerusalem Artichoke.
Surely in this day and age it is entirely unnecessary to remind people that we fought a long, illegal war with Iraq in order to preserve our historical right to patronise illiterate barrow boys?

TWELLO WILP (secretary),
The Institute of Pedantry,

Hasting's

APPALLING

Dear Cockmarlin Trumpet (sic),

I am appalled by the appalling instances of my correspondence (hand written on fragrant, embossed notepaper), being persistently ignored by your parish magazine. Orgasmic farming and homophobic medicine are essential to human progress, as I was saying to a splendid specimin of giant hogweed (or Heracleum mantegazzianum) just the other day. They are not sir, mere fol de rols to be casually dismissed like domestic help. For example, were it not for these twin pillars of agricultural and medicinal enlightenment, my immediate family could never have survived to such an indecently advanced age, and I sir, would be launching ships, opening bridges and conferring knighthoods like there was no tomorrow, as your rightful monarch and emperor.
HRH CHARLES WINDSOR
CLARENCE HOUSE

OVER THE TOP

Attending the Upper Dicker auction rooms recently, I put in a successful bid for a job lot of WWI military memorabilia. Amongst the gas masks, ersatz cheese powder and benzedrine tablets, I discovered this touching letter, written to a loved one stationed at Ypres. and I thought I would share it with you.
Dearest Wilfred,

I hope your trench is not too uncomfortable, and that the Germans have stopped all that beastly gassing. Please find enclosed the brown trousers you requested, as well 3 dozen tins of Coleman's mustard powder, (what on earth do you do with it?), 1 dozen slices of imitation Spam, 2 packets of Smiling Cow Beef Flavoured toothpaste, 1 Tin of aggravated Radio Malt and three rounds of tongue sandwiches cut into triangles with the crusts cut off. All is well at home. Aunt Irene is up for the weekend, as Uncle Frank has run off with a chorus girl, and Hindenburg the budgie died suddenly after we lined his cage with asbestos in case of air raids. Little Tommy says hello dad, and if you do go over the top and get blown up by a land mine, can he have your fishing rod? Deidre at the greengrocers says don't worry it'll all be over by Christmas, although which one, she didn't say.
Mum's the word, careless talk costs lives.
Fondest love, Nancy.

NOSTRADAMUS - MAN OR MOTH?
Predicting The Past ( Bogus & Hokum £12.99) Amazon

It seems we haven't heard from the prescient 16th century Frotheur for some time, but archeologists excavating the ruins of an ancient Roman delicatessen in Pompeii have discovered dozens of previously unseen manuscripts concealed inside a caché of preserved hams. According to a recent English translation, in the following section it is widely supposed that Nostradamus is referring to the Ipad.

.....and the people, will stand in awe before the speaking tablets and their self image shall appear. And lo, not only therein shall the self-image dwell, for it shall, of its own volition, attain fruitful abundance within all the tablets and talking stones of the land. And thus shall these images go forth and multiply and be scattered like seed amongst the multitudes, where there shall be feasting and wine but also weeping and gnashing of teeth, for concealed therein shall be advertisements for online gambling, penis enlargement, hair transplants and the treatment of erectile dysfunction.

Spooky or what?

Sausage life!