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Bird Guano

The column which believes there’s a fine line between mumbo and jumbo

READER: Are you going away for Christmas, assuming we have one?

MYSELF: I hear Beyondenden is the place to be during the festive season.

READER: Beyondenden? That’s not a real place.

MYSELF: Well you're not a real reader.

READER: Eh?

MYSELF: You don't exist, I made you up.

READER: Don't be ridiculous.

MYSELF: It's true, I can make you say anything I want.

READER: Terpsichorean gullible cheese trousers! Undulating ruminary tablet!!

MYSELF: Exactly.

LOVE IS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE DORRIES

In an exclusive interview with Sausage Life, Nadine Dorries, the Secretary of State for Digital Culture, Media and Sport, a woman often accused of an empathy-free remoteness bordering on psychopathy, reveals her little seen, warm, human side.

BG: Good morning Mrs Dorries, and may I say you are looking unusually lovely today?

ND: Unusually? What do you mean?

BG: Er, what I mean is, you are looking lovely in an unusually lovely way, especially those shoes.

ND: I didn't get them for nothing, if that's what you're insinuating.

BG: Not at all ma'am. I've prepared some questions from the list your secretary gave me. Let's start with a burning issue which...

ND: This lady's not for burning!

BG: Ha ha! Yes, I'm sure, er… but what a lot of people want to know is this; are you a cat person or a dog person?

ND: That’s a very good question. Of course it would very much depend on the dog or cat, but I will be better able to answer that question once my focus groups have finished number-crunching the results of our five-year national preference survey indicating which domestic pet would be the most popular with the electorate.

SL: OK, West Side Story, or Cats?

ND: Cats again? What are you getting at? I refer you to the answer I didn't give earlier.

SL: Finally, Culture Secretary, in a post-Brexit world, will we still be allowed to compete in future Eurovision Song Contests?

ND: Do you seriously expect me to answer that slanted remoaner- loaded question? Look, supposing I were to let the cat....or dog...out of the bag, where do you think that would that leave our negotiating position? If you expect me to give you a hot and cold running commentary on my secret plans, then you clearly do not understand the meaning of the words build or back, nor for that matter, better.

SL: Thank you very much Mrs Dorries.

THE CAULIFLOWER RICE COMPLEX

Those of you who thought that cauliflower rice, was just cauliflower made to resemble rice for confused, hirsuit men are in for a shock - things are much worse than you think. In the murky underworld of craft, innocent cauliflowers, (invariably female, uneducated, below the age of consent and from deprived rural backgrounds), are groomed by hipster gangs and illegally smuggled into the country hidden inside swallowed condoms. Once there they are coerced into having sex with multiple varieties of rice, (sometimes as many as 15kg a day). Inevitably the unfortunate vegetable falls pregnant and the resulting offspring, cauliflower rice, is removed and distributed via a complex air B’nB network to up-and-coming urban areas, where it is auctioned to craft-based artisan restaurants run by bearded pipe-smokers dressed as lumberjacks.
Next week: The tragic truth behind Spiralised Goat Spaghetti,.

DICTIONARY CORNER

Many people have asked me to clear up the difference between oxymoron and tautology. For the record, an oxymoron is a figure of speech in which two words with opposing meanings are used together, often for effect. Example: Tracy Emin, artist. Whereas tautology is the study of ancient educational techniques.

Rudiments (n,pl) menthol-based sweets embossed with smutty slogans.

DVD (n) educationally unexceptional sexually transmitted disease.

Molestation (n) Where moles commute from.

Lynch (n) The meal between bryckfast and dynner

NEARLY FAMOUS

The stars of the future gathered at The Cats Pyjama in St Leonards last Thursday, where a capacity audience witnessed the final heat of East Sussex’s Battle of the Tribute Bands. The first and second placed acts, as judged by a panel of industry experts, were signed up to a watertight 25-year contract by Cats Pyjama owner Reg "Grassy" Knowles;

Outright winners, with their trademark giant inflatable Polar Bear floating above the auditorium, were The Eskimo Pink Floyd. The Alaskan rockers delighted the audience by performing their entire cult album Dark Side of The Moose behind a huge wall of ice blocks, which gradually melted to reveal the band, clad in the traditional sealskins of the North American Inuit, flanked by the Motorcycle Display Penguins of Anchorage.

In second place, Sunderland’s Snake-Venom Enema performed a blistering set of brand new material, but were sensible enough to include some mosh-pit favourites, like the distortion-drenched Jesus or Dr Who? and the uber-metal headbanger The Lord Seeth All And He Knoweth Thy Dirty Secret from their debut album Sharkskin Vomit.

In the one downside to what was an otherwise excellent evening, after Herzmonceaux-based Fraudulent Garage quartet Acid Reflux Seaweed appeared onstage two hours late, their security team released a pack of dangerous dogs which attacked some disgruntled members of the audience.
Said one furious ex-fan, nursing a badly-chewed arm: "That's it. I will never attend a Seaweed gig again. The last time they played here they threw cigars into the audience during their encore which exploded when you lit them but frankly, this is going too far."

FILM REVIEW:

The Chronicles of Beyondenden VI, The Hairy Palm (Dir: Tintin Quarantino)

This, the sixth movie in the Beyondenden franchise will no doubt be welcomed by die hard fans, but in this reviewer’s opinion Quarantino merely proves that a good idea is like a cow- you can’t milk it forever. This latest opus, a prologue to the sequel of the prequel, features three strangers; a taxidermist, a geography teacher and a fireman, drawn together on a visit to Hartlepool Museum of Steam. After a dull start involving railway sleepers, the story gets going when all three are accidentally sucked into the inlet valve of a 1948 Radcliff & Barnes "superheat" high pressure steam locomotive boiler. Once inside they are spirited away to the strange but unsurprising world of Beyondenden, where everything is exactly as it seems and wild exciting adventures are completely off the agenda. Painfully wooden performances by Randolph Gluck as the geography teacher on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and the normally dependable Ted Quark as the taxidermist suffering a crisis of confidence are only mildly offset by newcomer Enron Hubbard's magnificent debut as the fireman with a psychological aversion to hoses. Nothing however could possibly redeem the clichéd ending, which implicates not only sinister Chinese aristocrat Lord Haha, but also the waiter in the restaurant car, the sword-wielding eskimo last seen in Beyonden III-Why?, and the menacing figure in the gas mask who haunts the corridors of Lady Horsedrone-Milquefloat's country residence, Laundry House. Verdict? Wait for the DVD, then don’t buy it.

Sausage Life!