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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which believes that happiness is just depression with laughs

READER: Football's coming home!

MYSELF: About time too but where's it been? Away at University? In prison?

READER: You know perfectly well where it's been.

MYSELF: Oh yes of course, in the Alf Ramsay 1966 Memorial Sepulchre at the British Museum.

READER: Very funny. But you'll be laughing on the other side of your face when Gareth's brave lions demolish plucky little Spain with their dazzling technique and tactical genius.

MYSELF: The only words I take issue with are dazzling and genius. Otherwise I'm with you all the way.

READER: I knew you'd come around.

WELSH FESTIVAL CANCELLED

Aberystwyth's Everything but The Music festival has been forced to close due to lack of interest. Wearing a festival T-shirt bearing the legend I ♥ EWE The festival curator, local beet farmer Dafyd Messerschmidt said tearfully: "This has been a massive disappointment and I pin the blame squarely on backward-looking Aberystwyth Town Councillers whose petty objection to our all-inclusive dogging area sorely disappointed our core fan base which has had a devastating effect on ticket sales."

Asked about the financial implications of the cancellation Dafyd told us, "This year's bill was our best ever and I am now going to have to issue huge cancellation fees to big names such as The Fridge Magnets, Reverb Mafia, Attack of the Stylophones, Aural Sects, Cut Price Lullabyes and headline act Hucci Gucci Man out of my own pocket. And let's not forget the popular tribute tent, packed this year with top shelf acts like The Small Faeces and Newcastle's Yes impersonators Why Aye. When you add this to the expenses we will have to offer our quality support bands such as Neon Cheeses, Atom Train Ambush and promising local rapper Glaxo 92,  I'm staring bankrupcy in the face. Look out for our GoFundMe appeal and please give generously." 

LARD OF THE DUNCE

Amateur Athletics Association supremo and oily creep Lord Coe has announced that he is teaming up with Michael Flatley, the armless Gaelic hoofer who successfully lobbied for Irish dancing to be officially added to the 2024 Paris Olympic Games. From his new headquarters in the back bar of The Green Shilellagh in Kilburn, surrounded by a coterie of shapely green-eyed Celtic beauties, his Lordship told us; “We can no longer allow ourselves to ignore Mr. Flatley’s unique sport, the sheer artistry and athleticism of which is a wonder to behold. Michael, or Paddy, as I like call him, fully deserves to be ranked alongside Olympic legends such as Mohammed Ali, Usain Bolt and myself. I look forward to attending the preliminary event which will be held in Barbados next week.” Michael Flatley is currently appearing in a revival of Oscar & Hammerstein’s hit musical Get Up The Yard, You Smell Of Hay at the Ballycuddy Hippodrome.

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FILM REVIEW:

The Chronicles of Beyondenden VI, Tales of the Expected (Dir: Tintin Quarantino)

This, the sixth movie in the Beyondenden franchise will no doubt be welcomed by die hard fans, but in this reviewer’s opinion Quarantino merely proves that a good idea is like a cow - there's no milk once it's dead. This latest opus, a prologue to the sequel of the prequel, features three strangers; a taxidermist, a geography teacher and a fireman who are drawn together on a visit to Hartlepool Museum of Steam. After a dull start involving the history of railway sleepers, the story gets going when all three are accidentally sucked into the inlet valve of a 1948 Radcliff & Barnes "superheat" high pressure steam locomotive boiler. Once inside they are spirited away to the strange but unsurprising world of Beyondenden, where everything is exactly as it seems and wild exciting adventures are completely off the agenda. Painfully wooden performances by Randolph Gluck as the geography teacher on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and the normally dependable Ted Quark as the taxidermist suffering a mid-life crisis of confidence are only mildly offset by newcomer Enron Hubbard's magnificent debut as the fireman with a psychological aversion to hoses.
Nothing however could possibly redeem the clichéd ending, which implicates not only sinister Chinese aristocrat Lord Haha (Leo Wong), but also the waiter in the restaurant car (George De Colleté), Nanook Xeno's sword-wielding eskimo (last seen in Beyonden III-Why?), and the menacing CGI generated figure in the gas mask who haunts the corridors of Lady Horsedrone-Milquefloat's country residence, Laundry House. Verdict? Wait for the DVD, then don’t buy it.

Sausage Life!

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was kept in a secret underhand bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss 

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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GUANO POUNDHAMMER

DOMESTIC BLISS NOW ON SPOTIFY AND ALL STREAMING PLKATFORMS