No. 163 OCT 2020
POLITIKAL POKES
By Lobbytroll
IMORRAL VACUUMS
Are you an aspiring actor? Can you talk to potential adult customers as though they were distracted 7-year-olds? Are you an ex-Catholic who is able to channel their inner post-confessional child? Can you still recite three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and a Glory Be in ten seconds flat without glowing redder than the bottom a red-bottomed baboon?
Could you coldly dump your conscience in order to milk the mooing cash cow of commercial radio? Would you be comfortable veering alarmingly from Dim Geordie to Gormless Scouse to over-confident Smug Yorkshire in the same sentence?
Have you got a voice which could smelt iron ore with smug certainty, melt simple hearts with syrupy condescension or instill personal financial paranoia in equal measure?
Some of you may possess a sense of honor or integrity and perhaps a certain amount of hard-earned thespian skill which you are loath to abandon, but do not fear. Our highly focused training team will help you to downskill your talent so that within a very short time you could be on air promoting a wide variety of opportunities including gambling, dentistry, divorce, death and vehicle rental disguised as car sales.
All the lies you will be required to tell are covered by our ever-lengthening legally binding disclaimer messages which you will deliver at warp speed at the end of each commercial. Once you have mastered these meaningless tongue-twerking tone poems you will be able to recite things like “99.9% apr representative” or “offer only available from participating dealers who may be very difficult to find or may not even exist” without the voices in your head urging you to jump off a cliff.
Participants may be entered into the National Radio Awards for Shameless Bare-Faced Hypocrite of the Year at the Sunderland O2 Virtual Zoom Amphitheater.
Subject to terms and conditions which may or may not apply.
BLEAK FRIDAY
The annoying, imported American habit of the UK retail industry of trying to persuade everyone they can raise the quality of coffee by increasing the amount of cups sounds even more desperate in these Covid times. Did you get any Black Friday bargains? I got a brand new iphone with a 92" plasma screen and a built-in mask for a price which would fill you with envy were I to reveal it.
PRITI FUCKIN ANNOYIN
Foul-mouthed Home Secretary, the accidental bully Priti 'Vacant' Patel appears to have started a ludicrous fashion for dropping the g in words ending in ing. They're all at it - but what what on earth is it for? The idea that it can make smug middle class clowns appear workin clarse is clearly ludicrous but I suppose it at least gives some of its slavish devotees a reason to keep an eye on what they are actually sayin. Tough-talking Ms. Patel has a bit of a problem though, in that she regularly, often in the same sentence, forgets where she should be droppin the g.
I offer this solution in order to keep yourself on your toes in this pronunciation minefield - start adding the letter g to words ending in in en or on. Thus we can begin discussin' Vladimir Puting, Jeremy Corbing, Boris Johnsing et al, and give us all a giggle at the same time.
NOT ME
Before I'm falsely accused of misogyny here; it's easy to see why the male dominated Westminster bubble prefers the instant erection of hawkish melodrama over the flaccid wiff-waff of sensible pragmatism. Boris Johnson, in a transparent a bid to appear gender-egalitarian has installed in his Brexit-compliant cabinet the twin mute swans of ambition, the sisters of no mercy, Truss and Patel, who Instead of imbuing the party with a sense of modernity, and perhaps even a touch common sense, prefer to bulldoze their way around the media parading their cajones gigantes.
CHRISTMAS QUIZ
Q: How did Jesus's family escape the biblical murder of the infants in Bethlehem in 72BC?
A: They had acquired Herod immunity
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